This weekend was packed with activities. Packed with BBQs, pizza, drinks, great friends and a lot of laughs. Overall it led up to Sunday. The day I began to organize my desk.
You see I have a really nice desk that has two file drawers. It was completely organized at one point, about 5 years ago and then I stopped filling. I kept everything, but it was all either thrown into a drawer or just shoved wherever I had room in my files. Not a very good system for someone who used to make her living by being an organized administrative assistant. Hell everything I do at work is always organized, at home, it doesn’t seem to work so well.
This weekend I purchased files and started to organize. First I put everything into piles by the year. Then I started to organize within each year. Last I pulled all of my income tax paperwork into separate folders within the main yearly folder. Once that was done it was filed away. I seem to only have paperwork from 1998 on which I thought was a bit strange. I’m pretty sure I have the rest of the paperwork in one of the boxes I haven’t unpacked somewhere. Not like I have much to worry about considering those years I only worked part time, had no money and have never cheated on my income tax. Hell I could probably have gotten more money back if I went to an accountant but I never do.
This year is going to be different though. I’m going to hire an accountant to do my taxes. I’m sure he/she will be able to find all sorts of things I never would have thought to write off. Who knows I may actually get more then $50 back this year. Likely I’ll have to pay 
What I found a bit strange, though was the memories and emotions that hit me when I was organizing. Who would have known that receipts of things I purchased in Colorado, pay stubs and cheques would make me feel upset, anxious and sad? I know I’ve said before that I don’t regret moving out there and living with my ex. I don’t, but I realize now I have some resentment about that time in my life.
Don’t worry, I’m not going to vent or start a mud slinging contest just because I can now admit that I have some “issues” thinking back on my time in Colorado. Of course I would have some resentment considering it was a relationship that failed. Hell, who wouldn’t have some kind of anger or frustration when thinking back on a long term relationship that ended. No one likes to see their demons, or admit their faults. The ending of that relationship made me see those in myself, and in my ex. On the bright side, however, it taught me a lot about who I am, what I want and what I deserve in life.
Would I do it all again? I think so because it taught me that I need to be proud and believe in myself. It made me realize what I wanted in a life partner. It made me a much stronger woman. In the end it made me appreciate how amazing Gary is and how lucky I am to have him love me.
I think you only really discover your self-worth after a few heartbreaks, a few humiliating experiences where you have been hit pretty hard. Times when you truly questioned your beauty, your intelligence, your individuality. A moment or two (or three or four) when you honestly felt you were not worth a piece of shit because someone told you so. It’s when you say “fuck you” to those people and you pick yourself up, dust off your ass and walk out the door. It is at that moment that you realize how beautiful, strong and independent you are as you start all over again.
