My father
Wednesday, January 18th, 2006 ~ 12:22 am
I have been feeling tired lately. Not just physically but emotionally as well. I feel burdened by responsibility and hogtied with ropes of love.
My father will be moving in with my sisters and I at the end of the February. I am not happy about this. At all. There are so many underlying reasons that I will not go into as to why this decision has been made so there is no point in asking. I had finally started to believe that I am only responsible for myself and that I could begin to build a life with Gary. Suddenly this is dropped into my lap and the laps of my sisters.
When people ask me if I have a child, I’ll just reply that of course I do, his name is Bill and he is my 69 year old father.
I wonder if there will ever be a time in my life when the mistakes of others will not weigh down my attempts of making a better life for myself. I truly doubt this will ever be the case. Maybe it is never the case for anyone. Regardless, I should not waste tears on the past when the future scares me enough to twist my stomach into knots.
At times I miss living in Colorado if only because I could hide away from all of this responsibility. Perhaps I’m too loving, too caring, feel the responsibility too deeply. I can’t turn my back on him, I can’t turn away even though I have no legal responsibility to take care of him.
I want to stomp my feet and pull my hair. Cry until I can hardly breath and then scream some more.
Of course I won’t. I’m not two. I’m 30 and I need to accept the fact that at 30 I am now responsible for the life of my father, emotionally, physically and financially.
