As always, I should be sleeping but for some reason I’m restless.
On the way home from work today there was a woman sitting across from me on the streetcar. I tried very hard not to stare, but my guilty eyes could not help but slip in a peek every now and then. She was just so large and I felt sorry for her and ashamed that I was even thinking about how large she was and how sorry I felt. It was a hideous circle. She had difficulty keeping herself on the two seats that she occupied. Her eyes hidden in the folds of her lids would glint occasionally when she lifted them from the spot on the floor where she kept her gaze. I wanted to help her, to make her comfortable, but really what could I do. Her restless shifting kept calling attention to the fact that she was perched on the edge of seat because she could not sit back any further. I did try to keep my attention on my book and not watch, but I couldn’t help it.
Now I know..I *know* that I should not be saying this, or even thinking it. It’s not politically correct but I’m human, and really who am I to try and understand why humans are rubber neckers. Let’s just leave it as…it’s human nature…cruel and honest. I am terrified that one day I may be that woman, too large to sit comfortably. The woman that people pity just because you exist in the size that you have become. There could be a hundred reasons why she is the way she is, and she could be extremely happy with her life. Who am I to judge? But I do, secretly. I will admit it, I’m flawed. But I always feel instant remorse for allowing my thoughts to stray the way the do.
No one is perfect, no one is ever happy with who they are or they way the look all of the time. It’s natural. I find that I constantly compare myself to others, trying to understand how i measure up. Some days I am pleased with the outcome, other days I wish I had never left my bed. Who knows, someone may be peeking at me, horrified at the way I look. It would hurt but I can’t stop them.
Perhaps perfection is only found in the beauty that those who love us see when they gaze into our eyes. It’s the sum of all our flaws.
